Becoming the phoenix

I’m not sure, who, what, where, I’m suppose to be anymore.

I feel really alone, I feel really tired, I feel so distant, I feel frustrated…

Maybe I should sleep, but these dreams are starting to get to me again, I threw up when I woke up this morning, the dream I had disgusted me that much. I didn’t even want to eat the whole day, food seemed to distrub me.

I”m stressed out about money,  stressed about work, stressed about this, stressed about that…

I miss my chickadee, the friends I have left here are annoying me and aggravating me, one just called to see if I would go to buy books with her tomorrow for school, I said sure but have to be home by 3pm so I can get my sister off the bus, she then procced to laugh and say why? well duh my sister is only 11years old, no 11 year old should be left by themselves, my parents don’t believe it should be like that, and I would never in a million years feel comfterable with that either. She then mocks me and says okay we will leave at llam then.

I don’t really want to go, but I can’t keep myself locked in the house all winter, I have to get out and have a social life, or I’ll get severly depressed, I just wished there was someone left around that wasn’t so, aggrivating or overbearing…

I”m not in the mood for her superfical banter about guys, or her on and off again love/lust relationship with her guy, it aggrivates me, they run circles around each other,  they don’t realize how lucky they are to be with each other, to live so close to each other, I”m not in the mood nor stable enough a place to hear about her sex life, I don’t care, I don’t want to know, sometimes it triggers me.  In this moment in my life, it all seems so trite and unimportant, I”m tackling demons and horror stories, I don’t want to know about your silly boy problems you create for yourself with your subconcoious need for drama…. *growls*

I feel so alone, I feel so much like  a puppet on a string, dancing around fooling everyone,  I feel so isolated and tired of people in my life that think they know all the answers to all my problems. Don’t you dare tell me what you think is best for me when you haven’t walked a day in my shoes or lived through what I’ve lived through, don’t pretend like you say you know, or you understand, you fucking don’t so dont you dare in a million years say that to me. Until you have your childhood stolen, until you have your world destroyed by some pervy monster don’t say to me you understand or you know best, because you don’t, YOU JUST DON’T *growls* (rant is related to friend in above paragraph)

I don’t know what to do with myself in this moment, I feel so alone, I want to cry, I want to curl up and just bawl, but I refuse to do so.

I should sleep, I should do this, I should do that,

Where do these wings take me to now?

Yesterday I went to my best friends house, I hate calling her a best friend, it sounds so juvinelle to me and she is more of my sister than anything.

We were talking and she told me her mom was worried about me being able to move out with them next summer.  For some reason in my little mind I took this as she didn’t have any faith in me, (this friend and her mom, dad, and stepdad are the only stable home and the only real stable family I’ve ever had) At first I got angry and shut down, and then I was just emotionally wounded.  Chickadee (friend) was not buying my “I am perfectly fine speech” and “these aren’t tears there is just a leak in your celling” follow up. She can be a determined little shit when she wants to be, and dragged me off her bed with verbal threats (she knows how to push my buttons and that I am bad at telling her no) and I suggested we take a drive, for some reason it is easier for me to talk in the enviroment of a car than any house or room. So off we went with me then proclaiming her car must have a leak in the roof too, and she must really get that checked out. This was met by her charatristic sigh and roll of the eyes with that look “Sparrow I’m not buying this please communicate”

So we drove the back roads, and I of course continued to affected by that damn leak in the roof, and started in my very quiet childlike voice, blurted with lots of encouragment from dear Chickadee, how I was feeling, how I felt lost, how I hated I let the past affect me so much,  how I felt hurt by her mom’s comment because I felt her and her mom where the only people that ever really encouraged me to accomplish anything, the only people that ever had faith in me, and from my past I felt that comment meant her mom had lost faith in me. She started to tear up too, and went on to explain her mom has been really worried about me, and loved me like a daughter, and just wanted to see me accomplish my dreams, and was worried that I was just not in a place to handle a move like that, and was worried it wouldn’t be best for me at this time.

I for some reason was shocked, my own family, god bless their souls, and I love my parents dearly don’t get me wrong, but my parents are always putting me down, always telling me I can’t do that, I can’t do this, I should do this not that, that I will never accomplish whatever it is I have confided in them about.  From the time I turned 12, my parents have kinda of well neglected me emotionally neglected me, well basiclly just neglected me in general, it  was like at 12 I became the thrid adult, the third partner in their marriage, until it became an inconvinence to them and then I resummed role as a child and was treated as such, it’s left me very confused and mixed up on where I stand in my relationship with them and any adult, in fact most days I forget I myself am an sdult now.  My parents dont’ seem to worry about me in certain areas, and in fact my mom comes up with odd schemes to get me to stay in their house as long as possible.  I feel so much guilt in saying that my parents are verbally and emotionally abusive, because I love them, and I know they love me and the damage they have done was never intentional , they didn’t set out to do it on purpose, everything they have ever done was for the benifit of me and my little sister. Sometimes I think overcoming this is bigger than the abuse I suffered from the hands of my sexual abuser, because it’s one thing to say what he did, it’s one thing to accept what he did, it was selfish, and evil, and all for his own gain. My parents emotional and verbal abuse though was never planned, intentional, or done out of evil intent, it just happened.  They have never done anything in their lives that wasn’t for me and my little sister’s benifit, they have always done the best they can do for us. So to call them abusive, or neglective, or anything hurts me and it is very hard for me to accept. My mom is easier to accept than my dad, because when she is angry with you she does intentionally say and do things to hurt you, and all my life she has tired to mainpulate me and direct me in the direction she WANTS me to go, not what I want or what is best for me.

I”m getting off course, back to what I was saying, I was shocked, someone that played a mother role in my life, believed in me, and wanted me to decide what was best for me and only wanted that, no selifsh undertones, no manipulative ploys,  I didn’t know how to accept this except with joy and a bit of confusion.

This is a whole new revlation for me, one that I’ve been chewing on for about a week and a half now,  people wanting me to make the decisions that I think are best for me, with friendly advice but in the end only want me to do what is best for me. Truth be told, doing anything for myself is a hard thing for me to accpet or do. I spend a lot of my time and energy on others, I think part of it is me avoiding my own needs, wants, desires, and me just overall avoiding me and part of it is, I am a born nurturer, I feel it is my place to care for others, and I have an overwhemling motherly instict, I naturally fit in the role as a care taker and giver, it’s hard for me to care for myself though..

and I Feel this is getting off track, honestly I don’t remember my original intnet of writing this, or what my originally intended subject matter was…

bah, I”m back to running circles in my mind, this happens all to often…

hmmmm something went horribly wrong somewhere…

I got turned around, ended up in a diffrent part of town, now I”m all lost…

I don’t know what it is I want…. I don’t know where it is I want to end up.

I have a vauge idea,  a shimmering outline, but the picture is all distorted and fuzzy,

kinda of like the view of me I see when I look in the mirror…

where did my path go? I use to be so sure, or at least I thought I was…

Everything feels cold, everything feels distant and off track

I’m so unsure of everything now, so unsure and feeling so…. alone….

I’ll be okay, I have to be….

i have to be…………………..

Here I am, writing, it’s been awhile since I’ve wrote here, I”m not sure why I’m back, I think it’s because once again I’m feeling lost and confused, and I don’t have many other places I can vent uncensored and without people hauling me off to the looney bin.

I”m tired, my mind is mush, my body aches, and I feel rageful.

Love sucks, love bites, I told myself that I should never fall in love, that it is one mess that should stay out of my life. but oh no I had to just get a hold of love too, I swear it was some evil subconcious ploy to destroy me..

I don’t know why I’m in this odd bitter, angry, pissy, bitch mode mood, I couldn’t tell you, I don’t know why, I was doing fine all day, something set me off, I wish I knew what.

I just know I”m rageful, I want to punch my fist in the wall and scream.

I would write more, but honestly I could give a flying fuck less about what I say or do, I just wnat to destroy something, even if that something is me…

I feel so dirty…so so so sick

Everytime I close my eyes, everytime I try to sleep, I can here…I can fucking feel…………………

I feel so sick, I am so fucking disgusting,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Rage lives inside me, I am so tired, but to sleep is to close and to close is to rember…to be trapped in a fucking nightmare

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I hate this all, so FUCKING much……..

I’m so tired……….

I don’t want to rember…………….

I don’t want to feel…………………………………….

I just want to be numb……………………………………………………………

I can’t do this right now I just can’t…………………………………………………………………………….

I”m sorry…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Drive…Drive..I can never drive fast enough to get away from me

Going fast, loud music, anything to block out all the thoughts, anything to just be noone,

No Sparrow, No Pip, Just nothing….

I wonder who I am anymore. What thoughts are mine, what wants are mine, I wonder if I ever was just me and not two diffrent well personalities….

Just, confusion,

My nerves are on end, I’ll be glad to get home tomorrow…

So sad, that I can’t even go out of town without freaking out, without felling out of place and on edge…

Useless stupid us

I am completetly utterly losing it…and I will go laughing all the way to the loony bin.

This morning…on my way to school I went beserk…you know in the movies..when there is a guy in a straight jacket and he is laughing for no reason..and it is the eeriest laugh you have ever heard..yes that was me..I just started laughing…for no reason…that erriey movie laugh…just fucking laughing because life is so damn cruel..doesn’t  my past haunt me enough during the waking hours must it haunt me in my dreams.

I had a dream last night and it greatly distubed me..

I had a dream..that someone..abused my sister…I was looking looking looking for this person…

I told her I would find who did it…and I would rip them limb to limb

That I would gut them..make them pay…but the more the dream went on the more and more I realized that the little girl wasn’t my sister…the little girl was me…

fuck…just fuck it all…why…will I ever heal…

I am a complete mess..I am a failure…I am an asshole…I am so many names…I am so undesreving of the kindness I recieve.

 Why do I have a weakness…why do I have a tendency that when I fall I don’t just fall I completly collapse? I take myself to a whole new low…I am so sick to my stomache.

When does drinking become a problem? I’m scaring myself…I like to hurt myself..I get some sick enjoyment out of it..I deserve it……I really do…

As long as it hurts…as long as it burns..as long as it does something to take all the bad feelings away..the hollowness…the unbearable pain…the chokeing feeling….all the anger…..all the guilt..

I’m a fucking mess…I’m a fucking mess..I’m a FUCKING MESS!!

It has been awhile since I’ve posted..I’m never alone to post yet today I am thank God.

I don’t know what to think..I don’t know where I want to go with my life anymore..I graduated high school, but what happens now? I have general ideas of where I want to be..I just feel like I can’t get there. Stuck Stuck Stuck Stuck…I can see so many things laying in front of me..so many things I want to see, want to do, that I want to be. Can I do them all..or is it pick and choose. Sometimes I feel like I can’t get to those things because of me..I am my own worse enemy. I let my deperrsion,  my anxiey, my memories, all of it just jumps in my path, and unfortunetly I don’t jump hurdles well…I don’t own a horse and I never ran track.

Running in circles..I’m a dog chasing my tail, never will catch it it seems..I just have to hold on..keep running and maybe one day I will find  a path to follow..instead of a circle..